The book · A Parody
Why I'm Successful, and You Suck
How I Got Rich Selling You This Book
by Rich Quick, Chief Growth Guru and Master of the Internet*
I wrote this book for one reason: you. Specifically, your wallet.
Everyone asks me, "Rich, how did you get rich?" Easy. I sold you this book. Now it's your turn to sell it to someone else. That's not a pyramid. That's triangular wealth geometry.
Inside: the self-made story of how I built an empire from nothing but grit, a vision board and a $38,500 loan from Mum (a seed round, Mum). The ancient sales secrets of my mentor, Old Master Fen. My 3:45 AM routine, powered by creatine and zero workouts. And the exact steps to join CircleJerk, my exclusive mastermind, where winners tell other winners they're winning.
You'll never look at success the same way again. Mainly because you'll be looking at mine.
Not on Amazon yet. Only 3 copies left.†
Rich Quick is fictional and AI-generated. This book is satire and nothing in it is real financial, business or life advice.
* Self-awarded, at a small ceremony in a kitchen. † There are unlimited copies. It's print on demand.
The ad
Buy this book. Then buy it again.
We spent the whole marketing budget on confetti. It's a metaphor for your budget.
Plays muted on loop. Use the controls for sound. If your device is set to reduce motion, it waits for you to press play. AI-generated video of a fictional character.
What's inside
12 chapters of wisdom. One bonus upsell.
About 19,000 words, 12 photos and 10 diagrams that are mostly arrows. Every chapter is life-changing, according to the author.
- 01
Hi, I'm Rich. You're Not.
The self-made origin story: a gap year, a vision board, a market stall run by Old Master Fen, and a $38,500 seed round from Mum. Self-made. Mum just made a bank transfer.
- 02
Fake It Till You Lease It
The jet that never takes off, the Lambo leased for one photo, and an Airbnb billed as "global HQ".
- 03
Rise and Grind (Mostly Rise)
A 3:45 AM routine of creatine with no workout (shaking the tub counts as cardio), journalling, and replying to his own comments. Then a nap until noon.
- 04
Quit Your Job Today
Why your boss fears you, and why you should skip the bit about Rich's landlord.
- 05
The Secret Funnel
A diagram that is literally a funnel. Every stage leads to a more expensive copy of this book.
- 06
Scarcity Is a Mindset (And a Countdown Timer)
"Only 3 spots left", every day since 2019. The timer resets when you refresh. That's called innovation.
- 07
Buy Followers, Become Followed
400,000 fans, mostly from one server farm, explained by the self-appointed Master of the Internet, who still can't attach a file in Outlook.
- 08
The Free Webinar That Costs $4,997
90 minutes: 85 of backstory, 5 of "special bonus", 0 of content.
- 09
Manifest Harder
If it didn't work, you didn't want it enough. Gratitude journal sold separately.
- 10
Crypto, Explained by Someone Who Doesn't Know
$RICH, its rug-pull "learning moment", and Uncle Kev, who thinks his coins are raffle tickets.
- 11
Sell a Course About Selling Courses
The final form, and an invitation to CircleJerk, the $297-a-month mastermind where everyone comments "🔥 king" on everyone else's posts.
- 12
Testimonials, Mostly From Family
Case studies from his cousin, his uncle, a man at a petrol station, and Barkley the dog, who has notes.
- ★
Bonus chapter: The Platinum Inner Circle Upsell
A sales page inside the book you already bought. Three tiers, a "no refunds, only lessons" guarantee, and a last-chance offer that never closes.
Praise
Reviews from people who couldn't say no.
Verified by Rich. Most reviewers are related to him. One is a dog.
Every review below is made up, like the reviewers.
"He still owes me $38,500. Terrance love, ring me."
"Life-changing. I've read it four times, once out loud to my nan, who asked me to stop. Also, Tez, I'm not printing this one for you. Learn Outlook."
"Is this the thing he was going on about at Christmas? He made us all hold hands and say 'abundance'. The pav was ruined."
"Woof. Wrrf. Wuf." (Translation: "I'm from the shelter on the highway. He's lovely at feeding time and wrong about everything else. Four stars, for the food.")
"Five stars. Please stop calling me. The kids say hi. Neil says hi too, which is more than you deserve."
"He stood at my stall for three hours and bought the ladder with no rungs. A natural."
"★★★★★ Best book by Rich Quick I've ever read. The author is handsome, decisive and correct about everything. 🔥 king."
"He tried to pay for a pie with a QR code to his course. I let him have the pie."
The only true page in the book
Rich Quick is fictional and AI-generated. This book is satire and nothing in it is real financial, business or life advice.
Every framework, statistic, testimonial, coin, course, mastermind, relative and petrol station in it is invented. The jokes are aimed at Rich and at the kind of guru who sells you a dream with a countdown timer on it, not at any real person or business. If you catch yourself about to quit your job, buy a coin or start taking creatine as cardio because of something in it, please put the book down and ring someone sensible.
Published as a parody by Design Box Digital, the real agency behind Reach Around Marketing.