Reporting: the more charts, the less you'll ask

Clients say they want "transparency." What they actually want is to feel informed without having to think about it. Our reporting philosophy delivers exactly that: as much information as possible, with as little meaning as we can get away with.

Rule 1: Volume beats clarity

One clear page saying "leads are down 20%, here's why, here's the fix" invites conversation. Conversation invites questions. Questions invite cancellations. Thirty-eight pages of pie charts, on the other hand, invite a polite "looks great, thanks!" and a closed PDF. Think of each chart as a little bouncer standing between us and the question "what am I paying for?"

Rule 2: Lead with whatever went up

Something always goes up. Impressions. Average time on the careers page. Visitors from Belarus. Find it, make it the headline and give it a rocket emoji. If genuinely nothing went up, report on "share of voice," a metric we invented in a meeting that nobody outside the meeting can check.

Rule 3: Colour is a strategy

Green means good. Pink means "brand engagement." Red is banned. If a number would normally be red, we display it in a soothing teal and call it "an opportunity."

Rule 4: Send it at 4:55pm on a Friday

Nobody has ever read a PDF at 4:55pm on a Friday. By Monday it's old news, and next month's report is already being lovingly assembled from last month's template, with the date changed. Mostly.

Rule 5: The monthly call

Book a 30-minute call to "walk through the numbers." Spend 22 minutes on the agenda, six on the weather and two saying "we'll circle back on the leads thing." Then never circle back. Circles are for people with time.

P.S. A good report fits on a page and tells you what's working, what isn't and what happens next, in actual sentences. If that sounds like a nice change, there's a real agency at the bottom of this page.