SEO Explained Slowly, for You

Hello. Hi. Are you comfortable? Good. Today Rich is going to explain SEO. I'm going to use small words and lots of white space, because I've seen your website, and I've seen your face when someone says "meta description." It was the face of a labrador watching a magic trick.

What is SEO?

SEO stands for Search Engine Optimisation.

Search. Engine. Optimisation.

That's three words. You're doing great. Some people spell it with a Z. Don't. We're in Australia. Already this is going badly, and we're only on the first heading.

What's a search engine?

A search engine is the box you type "how to unblock a sink without calling anyone" into at 11 PM. Optimisation means making things better. So SEO means making things better for the box. Not for your customers. For the box. The box is your customer now. You serve the box.

Some people say, "Just write genuinely useful pages for real humans and make your site fast." Those people are called idealists, and none of them drive a Lambo. (I don't drive a Lambo either. I drive a pink hatchback I call the Lambo. But I drive it with the energy of a Lambo, and the box can sense that.)

What's a keyword?

A keyword is a word. That's it. That's the whole thing.

Okay, sometimes it's several words. We call that a "long-tail keyword," because it has a tail. Like a dog. Not your dog. A strategic dog.

At the moment, you rank number one for your own business name. Congratulations. That's like winning a race you entered by yourself. I know the feeling. That's how I won my TEDx award.

What's a backlink?

A backlink is when another website links to yours. It's like a reference from a friend. Our premium backlink network includes highly respected publications such as Top 10 Spoons 2017, Crypto Uncle Weekly and my other blog, which links to this blog, which links back to my other blog. In the industry we call that a closed loop of authority. In my house we call it Tuesday.

How long does SEO take?

SEO takes time. How much time? Exactly as long as your contract, plus three months. If you rank sooner than that, it's a bug, and we'll fix it, and we'll bill you for the fix.

What's "the algorithm"?

Search engines change their algorithm 40,000 times a year. I know this because I made that number up just now and it felt right in my body. When your rankings drop, that's the algorithm. When your rankings go up, that's me. When nothing happens at all, that's "consolidation," and it's my favourite phase, because it's the cheapest one for me to deliver.

Is SEO dead?

Yes. I've said so on stage. SEO is dead. SEO is also the single most important investment you'll ever make. Both are true, depending on whether you've signed.

Let's recap, slowly

SEO is... you know what, do you want me to go again from the top? I'll go again. Actually, no. That's another $2,200. Learning is a journey, and journeys have tolls.

If you've made it this far, I'm genuinely proud of you. That's 19 minutes. You did it. Have a lie-down. I'll be on the jet.